My time at Telstra - Come into work and bleed everywhere for the money.

Required preamble:

So, for a period of about 3 years ending in 2017, I worked at Telstra as a Salesman/Customer Service representative. I was one of those guys you would see when you came into a store, selling mobile phones, internet plans, Foxtel deals, and more. I worked for a franchisee who, at the time, owned two retail stores and a business centre (a business centre being a by-appointment-only B2B sales hub). During my time at Telstra, I didn’t fit their mold of a ‘successful’ salesman, mainly because I refused to push unnecessary products onto people just to meet sales targets. I was a renegade non-conformist funny guy who really had no business being there lol.

Anyway, onto the story:

You’d think from the title that this is going to be a story about either some violent incident, or that my face had exploded. Close, but no.

I had been working at Telstra for like a year and a half, and man this role had a lot of talking. Over time my wisdom teeth had started to grow in, all fucking four of them, and they were causing me a lot of pain. I had been to the dentist, and they said that they were impacted and would need to be removed. It was so bad that I was having trouble eating, and I was constantly in pain. I was booked for surgery in literally three weeks, I could make it that long, I was a fighter. I put in notice at work that I was going to need the week off once I got it done. Everyone was cool with it, it was approved quickly, no dramas.

I go into surgery, they knock me out, a few hours later I wake up with 4 fewer wisdom teeth, a missing mauler, and man, my face is a swollen mostly parallyzed mess. I am on some real good painkillers, the best shit. They buddy me up with a pack of super high strength stuff and I’m on my way home, good. I get home, I take them, and they instantly knock me out. It was funny, I was sitting next to my friend at the time watching TV, I took them and passed out in just a few mins. He got up and went home, but left the TV on.

Get this, I had just one single day off after that. Just one. Because the next day [dickhead manager] called me while I was in bed, and asked me to come in because they were short staffed.

I explained there was no way I could be talking to people on the shop floor, he assured me that it was fine and I could just do back of house invoicing while he made the sales. Sounds good to me, why not. I get up, get dressed, and get going. I rock up at the store and this fucking prick, says to me “Hey change of plans, we need you on the shop floor doing customer care”.

Me: “No, this isn’t okay. I’m not quite right for it.”

Him: “Mate, why did you even come here then? You said you could come in, these hours count towards your goals and –” other amble about sales bullshit, with a heavy inference of “If you don’t do this, you’re not a team player” followed by heavy inference that this’ll come up in my performance review next week.

So, guess what happened over the next 5 hours?

I go up to people, I start talking, and then bleeding out my mouth. I am trying to talk, but I can’t really move my jaw properly, and I am in pain. I at one point smiled and a customer was like “Are you doing okay? Your teeth and lips are covered in blood, do you need to go to the hospital?” I was like “No, I’m fine, just had my wisdom teeth out a few days ago”… Yep, that level of fucking moronic hahaha.

I did ask a few times if they really wanted me there on the shop floor, and I kept getting a “Yeah, you’re fine, just do your best”.

I think I actually dropped a few drops on the desk where these consoles/terminals were. I was a mess, I was in pain (listen, not too much, just feeling real tender), I was bleeding everywhere, and I was trying to do my job. But honestly, the fact I got zero sales, not even a reconnection, was absolutely hilarious.

This one, I don’t think was a Telstra problem, more of a “my boss was just a fucking braindead prick” moment.

Yo Matt, fuck you. Moron.